Birthers Be Gone!

By YeOldeScribe ~ April 29th, 2011 @ 1:04 am

It’s no secret that Political Progressives is not a fan of the Tea Party. Which is sad, really, because we like the idea of the Tea Party. We’re in love with the notion of a third party to challenge the Democrats and Republicans, to force them to actually do their jobs and pass meaningful legislation. And in theory, hearkening back to the Constitution isn’t a bad thing. But would it be too much for them to not be, you know, crazy?

Our biggest beef is not with the Tea Party movement, however. The group of people we hate the most call themselves “Birthers”. Granted, a lot of Birthers happen to be Tea Party members (birds of a feather…), but we’ll be the first to note that the two groups are distinct, and that there are some Tea Party members who don’t align themselves with these Birthers.

What is a birther, you might ask? We’ll get to what birthers actually are later on in the post, but birthers question whether our current president was born in Hawaii or not. Why is this important? Well, that whole “Constitution” thing the Tea Partiers keep yapping about says you have to be a natural-born citizen to run for the office of President of the United States of America. Ergo, if Obama wasn’t born in Hawaii (the best theory out there is Kenya, his father’s homeland), then he’s not really the President and we don’t have to do anything he says.

Why are we so upset with these people? Let’s take a look at the facts – something Birthers refuse to do.

1. Birthers claim that Obama was born in Kenya, and that Obama’s grandmother and his Kenyan birth certificate prove it. Yet they ignore the fact that the birth certificate was immediately spotted as a fake (Pro Tip: If you’re going to fake a federal document, make sure the country existed at the time you’re faking the document from). Don’t worry, we’ll get back to Orly Taitz, the proponent of said birth certificate, later. And his grandmother has gone on the record about 50 times saying that what she meant to say was that she was in Kenya when she received the announcement of Obama’s birth (something she also clarifies right away in the original interviews that’s now so famous). Because no grandmother (or human being) has ever mis-spoke.

2. Birthers then demanded to see Obama’s birth certificate. And he gave it to them, right away.

3. Not compelled by this, the Birthers then argued that the short-form birth certificate that Obama provided wasn’t vaild. The Hawaii Department of Health, the White House, and FactCheck.org confirmed it was, and that it wasn’t some photoshop hack-job like the fake Kenyan certificate was.

4. After that argument went away (kind of), the new argument was that the short-term birth certificate isn’t really a birth certificate at all, and only the long-form certificate is legally binding (Fun Fact: That’s not true).

5. It’s also been argued that no one saw Obama grow up, and that no one remembers him living in Hawaii. There’s a good chance we’re not understanding what “no one” really means, but we’re pretty sure that teachers, elementary school friends, other family members, high school and college buddies, college professors and other friends of the family who have all verified on record that they remember Obama as a child count as “somebody”.

6. But forget all of that – instead, look to the birth announcement that was placed in the Honolulu Press. Clearly a fake! All Obama’s parents would have to do would be to call in to the paper and say “Hey, we just had a kid!” and then they could rest assured that their child could someday legally run for president. (Remember, the Obamas knew from a very young age that Obama would one day attempt to become the first African-American president of the United States of America, and therefore they had to orchestrate this entire elaborate scheme to make their son “legal”.) The only problem with that is the Honolulu Press gets their birth announcements from the hospitals directly, not the parents – always have.

7. Still unconvinced, they demanded his long form birth certificate. And Obama gave it to them.

8. And since that happened, every Birther out there said it was a fake again. This time, Hawaii, the White House, FactCheck.org and CNN.com have all verified it’s authenticity. But you know what, Joe six-pack from Bumblescum, Mississippi knows more about a birth certificate than any of those idjuts, and if he says it’s not true, then it’s not.

It’d be one thing if it was just Joe six-pack from Bumblescum who didn’t believe. But the Birther movement still has some key advocates – most notably, Orly Taitz and none other than our good friend Donald Trump. Taitz, who was caught red-handed with promoting the obviously fake birth certificate, has made a few other strange claims as well. From her Wikipeida page, she claims that:

* Obama is having the Federal Emergency Management Agency build internment camps for “Anti-Obama dissidents”

* Goldman Sachs runs the United States Treasury.

* Representative Alcee Hastings and the House of Representatives are planning to build at least six forced  labor camps.

On top of that, Taitz has been charged with attorney misconduct, and ordered to pay a fine of $20,000 for what boils down to essentially making the court and other lawyers look bad (something we didn’t even know they were all that concerned about). But our favorite Taitz moments are a quote from her and a quote from the judge dismissing one of her many frivolous lawsuits.

Taitz once said, “[Obama] was born and raised in radical Islam, all of his associations are with radical Islam, and he was groomed in the environment of the dirty Chicago mafia. Can there be anything scarier than that?”

And the judge dismissing her lawsuit said, “The Court is not willing to go tilting at windmills with her.” (Bonus points if you get the reference.)

Which brings us to Mr. Trump. The Donald, a long-time birther, did the noble thing immediately bastardized this entire charade by taking credit for “forcing” Obama to release his long-form birth certificate, and played it off as a sign that he would make an excellent Presidential Candidate for getting one man to admit to something 99.999% of the population already knew. But guess what else is a sign of an excellent Presidential candidate, Mr. Trump? Being honest and a man of your word. So it’s time to pony up, you worthless airbag.

See, a couple weeks ago, Trump had the following to say about Obama’s birth certificate:

“Maybe I’m going to do the tax returns when Obama does his birth certificate… I may tie my tax returns [to the birth certificate]. I’d love to give my tax returns.”

And now, he’s being called out on it. Former White House Press Secretary Robert Gibbs was the first one to point this out, and we’ll be the second:

“Donald Trump said he’d release his tax returns as soon as the president released his birth certificate, so the ball is in his court now and I know everybody is anxious to see his tax returns over the last 10 years,”

So what was Trump’s response? Surely it was to immeadately turn over the documents as promised right? Well, Trump’s quote sounded a little different to us:

“Gibbs is a loser.”

No, you know who’s a loser, Mr. Trump? You are. And so is every singe person out there who doesn’t believe President Obama is a natural-born citizen from the state of Hawaii. But you know what else? You’re something even worse than a loser, and so are the rest of the Bither idiots:

You’re all racist bastards.

Even by the most conservative estimates, Obama has proven his citizenship eight times. Eight! And his claims have been independently verified by every single legitimate organization that has sought to find the truth. And if you still don’t believe, you’re seeing things in black and white. And by that, I mean when you look at our President, you don’t see a distinguished lawyer and politician. You see a black man. You see a black man in a position that no black man has ever held before. You see a black man as the most powerful man on the planet Earth, and that scares you.

Because you’re a racist bastard.

There’s no other explanation. Really, I’d love to hear one. At this point, if you have one legitimate reason why you feel that Barack Obama was not born in Hawaii as a natural-born citizen and that he’s legally able to hold the office of the Presidency, than please, share it with all of us. We will retract this entire story if you can (and unlike Trump, we’ll honor our promise).

The sad thing is that Obama isn’t the first person to endure this kind of treatment, as this excellent CNN editorial points out. Minorities from Dr. King to Justice Sotomayor have had to overcome blatantly-obvious racism that they shouldn’t have had to face. But there’s some people out there who insist that they’re just doing their civic duty, that they’re not really racist. And to that, we say you’re full of shit.

Excuse our profanity, but it’s really that simple. And we can prove it. Let’s see if this rings a bell: a candidate running for President in 2008 faces concerns over whether the candidate can legally run because he might not be a natural born citizen of the US. Think you know who we’re talking about? If you said Obama, you’re wrong. We’re referring to the man Obama beat – US Sen. John McCain. See, McCain wasn’t even born in the continental US – something he openly admits to. He was born in the Panama Canal Zone on a U.S. military base. So what was done here? The McCain campaign investigated whether or not he had legal standing to run, determined that he did, and moved on as this Yahoo! news story eloquently articulates. So did the rest of the country. In fact, chances are you never heard of the controversy, because it didn’t exist. So why the big hubub over Obama’s citizenship but not McCain’s? The difference is black and white – and by that we mean the difference is Obama is black, and McCain is white.

It’s embarrassing to us at Political Progressives that we have to talk about this nonsense when, as our President said, “We’ve got better stuff to do.” And yet, this issue will not die. Even Trump has reserved final judgment on Obama’s citizenship until he personally verifies the document (because he’d be able to sport a forgery). But even if Trump is allowed to verify the document, he’ll find some other reason to belittle its legitimacy. And then he (and his Birther fools) will demand something else from Obama, until eventually they just ask for what they really want – for Obama to tint his skin white like Michael Jackson so they don’t have to be afraid of the big bad black man running the White House anymore.

Because no matter how you look at this, that’s what it boils down to. Nothing more than a bunch of racist bigots standing on their soapboxes, hoping the masses will continue to listen.

Consider our ears plugged.

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